Memory of My Friend, Amy 1971-2006

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO what a ride!"

That is how Amy lived. She was a wonderful person and wonderful friend. We became friends when our mothers would talk & talk & talk after a band event. As the only two kids there, we talked to each other and formed a lasting friendship. We hung out in school and outside of school. She introduced me to hockey (Go Flyers!) and the Great White North. We shared a strange obsession of The Monkees during the summer of 1986. She came to visit me in college and would get buzzed off 1/2 beer -- she tripped over a straw paper! We would laugh & laugh together. We shared a love of horses and I was envious of her trips to the big races. Amy could find the unusual and fun in many things ...such as mini-beers (top right pic). She and Mike were together forever before they finally got married last year. I was honored to be part of their wedding. I have over 20 years of memories stored up and as I type I smile & I cry.

When Amy found out she had cancer last year, she didn't lay down and feel sorry for herself. She fought it. She said she had too many things to do still. The past year of treatments was hard for her however she kept a positive attitude and did all she could do. Just knowing what she was going through and how she was tackling life reminded me to get over the small stuff and live life as much as possible.

Amy is one of my friends I grew apart from while married. I took every opportunity to reconnect each time I went home and I am glad I did. I saw her in October this year and neither of us had any idea her time was coming to a close. She is now watching down on all us making sure we remember her with a smile & a laugh. She wants us all screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!" when it's our turn.

In memory of Amy (1971-2006)

Happy Holidays to All

Christmas Time 2006 (19).jpg
Originally uploaded by islandbum.

Wishing your holiday is filled with family, friends and fun :)

Yet More Thoughts from the Big Apple

This morning I looked down from the 40th floor and watched all the people walking to work. I have one more day to join the throng in the morning.

Tonight a co-worker and I went to Rockefeller Square to see the tree. Neither of us had gone before. It really is beautiful in person. There were some skaters out on the ice and we considered renting some skates however decided our desert blood couldn't take the cold too much longer. We wandered down a few blocks to Connelly's Pub & Restaurant. Good food! And I was happy as I walked in to see the Flyers vs Rangers game on TV and Yuengling beer on the menu :)

A quick stop at Starbucks and off we went to find a cab. Our cabbie to the Center figured out quick we didn't know where we were going and took the long way. How did we figure it out? It cost us $10 less to get home.....we didn't walk that far from the Center to get the cab home. Ahh...lesson learned. One of these times we'll figure out the subway.

In our office we had a fire drill on our floor. I saw the sign in the morning and thought - my luck, we'll have to evacuate and we're on the 46th floor! As it turned out, no evacuation but I did get a lesson on high rise fire procedures. The lead guy (I forget his title!!) explained what went on and why. Very organized, very together. I was impressed. Hopefully our building will never have to truly test the process. So, I got some stairs in as we had to practice leaving our floor to our entry point 5 floors below. Of course, I then took the elevator back up :)

No profound thoughts today. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

More Thoughts from the Big Apple

Tonight I spent the evening at a Holiday Party dinner with executives and consultants from my company. I spoke to one of the Senior VPs and told him I respect him. Why? Not because I want him to remember my name but because he is real. He is direct. He wants to hear what you think. Will he tell you what he thinks back? Absolutely. Will you learn something from him if you listen? Absolutely. I told him a weakness in corporate America is the "worker bee" fear of the senior executives. Execs are people too. They want feedback - good or bad - as much as we do. If they are worth their title, they know they don't know it all. The people in the 'trenches' are the ones who complete the picture. The execs know they need to listen. However, the peeps in the trenches need to speak up. My Senior VP asked me directly what I thought about a particular challenge we had this year. I told him. I have co-workers who will be amazed I told him what I think and not what he wants to hear. He needs to know...if he doesn't know, he can't support a solution.

Communication. Look through my blogs and you'll see it's a common theme I have. Am I the perfect communicator? No, it's something I'm developing. It's something that makes the world go around. If everyone communicated with each other, we'd avoid alot of conflict and undue stress. We would...oh, I don't know....learn something from one another. At Thanksgiving I spent much of the evening listening to a friend's mother. She has lived a long life and seen many things - including the destruction of her house during Hurricane Katrina. She has much wisdom -- given indirectly through her stories or directly when asked. I listened much more than I spoke that night, and I learned new ideas and revelations about myself. Communication. It's a key to life.

Thoughts from the Big Apple

The glow of Ground Zero lights fill my hotel room as I walk in tonight. I paused with my hand on the light switch. Instead of turning on the light, I went to the window and looked below. Looked at the hole left, the new construction, the rebuilding beginning. I thought about the last time I stood in this hotel and all I could see was the World Trade Center. I thought of the lives lost, the courage demonstrated that day and the days after, the feeling of unity when we remembered the guiding principles on which this country was built and of those left behind. Those left behind who are rebuilding lives, living for the moment in memory and in honor of those who never came home.

After arriving in NYC, I spent the rest of the day visiting with two good friends. One I have known for 20 years. One I've known for 6 years. Both, in their own way, remind me that life is now. Think about what you are stressing over right now. Take a moment, I'll wait..........Now, is it really worth it? Will it change your life? Will it matter in 10 years? Probably not. Be flexible and bend with the wind. Life is now. Enjoy it - you never know when it could end.

The last few months if asked how things are, I would've said "bleh." I think back now and things were fine. It was me that was "bleh." I LET myself feel that way. I chose the wrong things to stress over. Things I didn't have control over. All that stress didn't do me a damn bit of good. While this year hasn't been a stellar year, life still moved forward. My brother passed away. I'm still sad and a piece of me always will be however he doesn't want me to crawl in a hole and hide. He wants me to go out, have a beer and raise it (and several others after it! LOL) in his honor. Move forward. One of my bestest friends has faded away. Does it hurt? Absolutely. Can I do more than be there when he does want to talk? No. I had a glass of sake in his honor tonight. Move forward. I must learn from life, not let things stop me from enjoying life. Life is a journey. I don't know exactly when it will end. I will make the most of it while it lasts.

Ouch

I have a friend with whom I once talked and IM'd. We could talk about anything and did. We could count on each other. We would hang out - go out to eat, work out, watch movies, play pool, go hiking, go drinking, go to each other's parties, hang out with other mutual friends, make new friends, or sometimes simply watch TV together.

Now my friend is disappearing. My friend can still count on me and I won't stop believing in my friend. We don't talk, IM or hang out anymore. I don't know why. I just want to talk to my friend and find out what's going on so it won't hurt so much.

Self Knowledge

"Can one know one's self? Is one ever somebody? I don't know anything about it anymore. It now seems to me the one changes from day to day and that every few years one becomes a new being." George Sand

We grow every day. If we don't, we become stale. Each time we grow we change, sometimes a little, sometimes alot. We work to go forward in our growth and not have to relearn a lesson. Becoming a new being every few years is a good thing. We take the things we've learned, the steps forward, sometimes the steps backward and start a new chapter.

Thoughts....

Sticks and stones may break my bones
But worse than bones are broken
By the inescapable stones
Of fond words left unspoken.

Unknown

I miss my friend

Disappearing doesn't always mean completely. That's the extreme. Disappearing also means pulling back and not being there.

I disappeared once. The man I was with was jealous/insecure of my relationships with my friends. He put rules on the table and I made the choice to follow them. One of the worst choices I've made in my life. I was in denial. Because I sent cards, took their phone calls and was almost normal when he wasn't there, I didn't disappear. But I did as I pushed them away as far as they allowed me. I lost many quality years with my friends.

I apologize to those friends - and you know who you are. I'm happy you were there when I figured it out. Now I understand how YOU felt for those years. I understand the hurt of a close friend pulling away. I understand because I am experiencing it now.

I miss my friend.

What Happened?

People are naturally curious. The first question when bad news is given is "what happened?" There are times this is the last question wanted to be heard.

When we lose someone in our life - whether to the hand of God, at the hand of someone else or to his/her own hand - we have to deal with the result - a missing part of our life. We don't want to live the events over and over. We want to deal with our emotions, our loss, our memories. The friends and family around us mean well when they ask questions. Rather than asking "what happened" we'd rather be asked "do you remember.......?"

Relive the good memories, not the event.

Honesty

Such a simple word that packs a big punch. You have to be honest whether it's friendships, relationships and especially with yourself. Communication goes along with honesty. These days with email, cell phones and instant messaging there is little excuse to not be honest with each other. Talking to each other can be very difficult however it is important.

Being honest can hurt - people don't always want to hear the truth. But, not being honest hurts more. Sometimes you aren't honest because you are trying *not* to hurt someone. You might as well twist the knife and finish the job. Talking to each other goes a long way. When it happens everyone involved knows what's going on and assumptions aren't made. Honesty really is the best policy.

Evils of Corporate Life - Part 5

Project Roll Outs. Project Implementation. Whatever you want to call it, the process can be evil. Even the best laid out test and implementation plan can cause long days, long nights and stress. You get confined to the smallest conference rooms in the building for weeks on end (18 for us!). You eat junk food they bring in and you gain 10 pounds. You put your life on hold. Then slowly a light comes on at the end of the tunnel. You get closer to the roll out ....and closer.....and closer....and closer.....and it gets moved. It starts again. Then, once again the light gets brighter....and brighter....and....oops, there it goes again. You start one more time. Tension is higher. Leadership is nervous as the upper levels look and ask what's going on. Then, as the stress is reaching maximum levels, hell week arrives. The teams rally the troops. You call in the reserves and go from 32% complete to 95% complete. The infamous Go / No-Go meeting comes and ...... it's a GO! Whew!

The project goes out. Leadership is happy. But, is it done? No, there's that last 5% to finish up. Oh, and don't forget to train everyone! Sigh. And the cycle begins again........

Disappear

When the person you're dating disappears, it may sting but you figure 'eh, too bad. his/her loss.'

When a friend disappears, it doesn't just sting, it burns.

Friends

You don't realize how important friends are until you think you might lose them. You have friends, those you see alot, those you see once in a while. Sometimes you only see some once in a while because they live out of state. Some you realize you want to be more friends with but realize you will only be friends on a certain level. Those you see alot make a difference in your life. When you realize you might lost that friend or a level of that friendship, you wonder. Should you think so much about it? Maybe you think too much.

Sometimes it just hurts

Pain isn't always physical. When hurt is emotional, it can be worse than any physical pain experienced. Emotional pain digs into the heart and your mind. And it seems to come like a monsoon - when it hits, it hits hard. Sometimes memories inflict it. Sometimes the pain is inflicted by someone close to me. When it hits all at once, it just hurts.
Memories are good though they hurt for a while. The memories sometimes flood, sometimes trickle. I don't want to lose the memories. Pain inflicted by someone close to me can be tough. It is looked at, then I get angry, then I hurt more, then I learn.

I did it again

On June 11, 2006 I completed a half marathon in Kona. Though I've already done a full and began the seaon in the best shape I'd been in for a long time, this run was a hard one. In the middle of the season, my brother passed away due to a heart attack. That hit me hard. I lost interest in alot of things and even my training lasped. The reason I continued though was him. I continued and finished the season with Nichelle. During the race Nichelle and I kept a good pace starting running 4 min, walking 2 min. Then after the turnaround we changed it to running 2, walking 4. At one point between 3 and 4 miles out I was ahead of Nichelle when the 2 min run timer went off. Nichelle yelled "It's 2 min if you care!" I responded "Not really!" The last two miles of the race were the toughest as I remembered my brother. The memories were triggered by a beautiful iron gate depicting a sea turtle. Running with a team was a great help for me on this one. I had Nichelle with me throughout. As I came into sight of the last stretch, I see my friend and teammate Michael. He grabbed my hand and ran with me reminding me of the support I have on and off the course. Renee was waiting at the corner to run with me to the finish line. My mother and aunt were at the finish line. I finished with a new personal record of 3:01:40.

I ran this marathon in Paul's memory. He was planning to come to Hawaii to see me. I know he was watching.

My Brother, 1966-2006

I always said my brother lived in his own happy little world. That was never a bad thing. He just lived the way he wanted - did his own thing. He loved his family, we loved him and had lots of friends and with those factors he was rich in the best ways. He had fun. He did things he liked. Did he have regrets? Maybe but he didn't talk about them so he didn't let it get to him. He was a great photographer. He could put a computer together with his eyes closed. He traveled all over the world. He could hustle pool with style. As for style, he had his own. His favorite type of pet was a turtle. He liked all kinds of music. He even played guitar and trombone. He started writing jazz music once. He liked his beer and going out with friends. He liked his Jaeger Bombers (as my friend can confirm). He was quiet until you got him on a subject he had passion about. We always bugged him to smile for pictures. When we were kids, he picked on me endlessly however protected me to no end - even after we grew up. He was my brother. I'll miss him. I will meet him in his happy little world one day.

In memory of Paul (1966 - 2006)

Pets...

I love my pets. They are my kids. Yesterday when it was just me and them snuggled up on the couch, I remembered why I love my pets. Today when the dog has become the biggest fuss pot ever, I have to think back to the couch scene. This dog refuses to go out. If I make her go out, she sits on the porch and waits to come back in. And she sits. She comes back in, sits on the couch. At first quietly then gets up, turns and stares at me. Just stares. No noise. Then stares at my foot. She has a foot fetish. She stares and stares wanting me to remove my sock so she can lick my foot. This dog is very strange. Now she's talking to me. And she doesn't stop talking....talking....more talking....and the talking continues. This dog is insane. Now, they say pets are like their owners, however she goes over the edge, I'm only crazy ;)

(and she's still talking!)

Dreams

Do they come true? What would we dream about then?

Ugh - Sub Woofers

My neighbor has TWO sub-woofers. These townhouses aren't big enough for 2 sub-woofers - guess that's why I have to share his bass beat!!!!!! Tonight between the incessant bass and their dog whining to be let in I'm going insane!!!! I've been next door to ask him to turn it down several times. OMG! I thought it was loud from this side of the wall!!!!!

Ok, go back and read the Life is Good blog. Read the Life is Good blog. Read the Life is Good blog. Read the Life is Good blog. Read the Life is Good blog. Read the Life is Good blog. Read the Life is Good blog. Read the Life is Good blog. Read the Life is Good blog. Read the Life is Good blog. Read the Life is Good blog. Read the Life is Good blog. Read the Life is Good blog. Read the Life is Good blog. Read the Life is Good blog. Read the Life is Good blog. Read the Life is Good blog. Read the Life is Good blog.....................

Life is Good

The day was beautiful
One of my best friends lives right here in Phoenix
My other best friends are a phone call away
I got a workout in tonight
Sushi at Akaihana (formerly Mr Sushi) was excellent as usual
Running practice starts again with a great team
I have a good circle of friends
My family loves me
My pets love me unconditionally
I own my house
I have a job that pays well and though it's not my favorite, I learn from it
I have a camera and time to use it
I good books and time to read them

Ahhhh....life is good

And the Season Begins......

Today was the official kickoff for the Train to End Stroke (TTES) Team Phoenix Spring/Summer 2006 season. We have a great turnout already!! This season I am a mentor for the team. Bah-ha-ha-ha.....they are letting me mold people! Who should be scared, me or them?! Just kidding.....this is going to be fun. I signed to be a mentor because I enjoy helping people and had fun with the program.

A friend of mine has joined the team - YAY SARA!!!!! She took the first step to making a postive change in her life AND raising awareness and funds for the American Stroke Association. Everyone should be proud of her and the committment she just made.

Sara is going to have a great time - she's in a great mentor group :), has wonderful coaches, and an awesome team. And most of all......

TEAM PHOENIX ROCKS!!!!!

Evils of Corporate Life - Part 4

The Town Hall. New year, new org, new meetings. I've had more Town Halls with senior leaders in the last few weeks than I can stand. My VP, her VP, his SVP and the CIO. sheesh. Now, there was some good tidbits of information, but has anyone calculated the $$ paid for the employees to be in these 1.5 - 2 hour meetings? And why is it the Directors don't have "Town Halls" but rather "Staff Meetings" or "Team Meetings?" Guess they're not high enough on the executive pole yet.....

Is it Timing?

We've all done it - I know I have. How often do we blame "timing" for things in our life? Or we say "life got in the way"? Think about it though. What does time have to do with it? And it's your life, how did it get in the way? It's not timing or life, it the choices we made to get there and the choices made once there. We can be in the right place at the right time and still make the wrong choice or vice versa.
I used to rationalize why something isn't the way I wanted it or sometimes why it was. I look back now with a clearer mind and more self esteem and realize, all those things happened because I made a choice to do or not do something. Interesting to look back at how it all connects.

"You can choose a ready guide in some celestial voice.
If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.
You can choose from phantom fears and kindness that can kill;
I will choose a path that's clear-
I will choose Free Will."
Rush

Just a Bump in the Road

I received an email today from a friend congratulating me on my marathon. She told me she's in awe of me and how proud she is of me.
She also wrote to tell me she has cancer. Never once in her email did she feel sorry for herself. In fact, she writes "I'm keeping my spirits high and seeing this as a bump in the road. I have too much yet left undone and refuse to let this get the best of me."
I'm the one in awe of her and am proud of her.